I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
