i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
