There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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