My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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