she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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