ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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