I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
