Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
