i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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