Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Of course I have a pirate flag
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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