Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
