i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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