I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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