No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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