My liver just broke up with me...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
