Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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