I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
