if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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