She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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