I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
