you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
