I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
