He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
