Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
