is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
