Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
