If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
