You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Small penises have feelings too.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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