So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
