I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
