my phone needs a breathalizer
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
