I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
