I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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