Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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