I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
im on a boat
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