I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Vodka?
Forever.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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