i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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