it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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