Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
