I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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