I'm sorry my penis didn't work
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
