I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
