I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
