I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
