based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
