All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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