i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
