GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
