so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
