I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
