He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I understand Curling. That high.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
