Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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