I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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